(Esty, n.d.)
You know you would think by 18 you have life all figured out, but no, life just always has a way of just saying to your face with a smug look and say "Sike!!". At twenty you are like hmmm I think I know who I am. But at 21 you are like, "What!! my future is really under my control" and "It's my responsibility on how my life will look like five years from now". The stress and the pressure are not pleasant. Quite frankly it sucks!
Before we go into detail, we first need to get a clear understanding of what is exactly being in your twenties? Twenty Somethings is the age group from 20 to 29. Now, that we have established that. There are five key features that young adults begin to experience. These key features are Identity exploration in love and work, instability in finding your feet and being on your own, being self-focused which is NOT always selfish, feeling in between in learning to transform from being a teenager to a full-fledged adult, and the most fun part of your twenties is that it is the age of possibility (Santrock, 2019). But it is important to remember that achieving our adult goals do take time, even though it does feel like we are in the rush to get our lives established now!
One of the many things you would find in your twenties is that you begin to develop reflective thinking increases and it becomes more internal, meaning your thinking in your twenties change, we come from being ruled but our emotions in our teenage years, to being practical thinkers (Santrock, 2019). We become skeptical about the truth, and we do not always except the first answer as is, we find the answers we are looking for. Which result to searching for answers that take us on an ongoing journey. We do become more realistic, we stop daydreaming about our goals and start making foundations to reach those goals, some of us may only begin that process a bit later but reality kicks in and forces us to make steps into not just wishful manifestation to putting that manifesting into action. We also realize that sometimes emotions do influence our decisions. but there is an awareness of those emotions (Santrock, 2019).
Relationships
As you get older, you start to value and appreciate various relationships in your life. Whether it's family, friends, colleagues, or romantic relationships. They become more about maintenance, you realized that you may not need a relationship to live, but you do find yourself needing to maintain a relationship with various relationships you find worth still keeping. It is up to interpretation if its best to keep them because they bring value into your life, or although they may be toxic you still want to keep that relationship since its family, a longtime friend or it is hard to let go of a lover.
Have you heard the say that the past catches up to the future. Well, this is true. There are two concepts that are part of our personalities that define who we are, it may not always be concrete, but they do ring true to our personality development. These concepts are Attachments and Temperaments. Attachment can be defined as "deep and enduring emotional bond between two individuals that each person seeks closeness and feels more secure when in the presence of the attachment figure" (McLeod, 2017) . Which means, when two people create a bond, each person is seeking to feel close and have a sense of security in the opposite person. Like couple who feel close and safe with each other. But these emotional attachment manifest into our adulthood relationships. This is to say how were loved as toddlers manifest into out adulthood relationships, but this debatable, sometimes past events in adolescence can affect how we love as adults (Santrock, 2019).
Temperament on the other hand is defined as "aspect of the personality which is concerned with emotional disputations and reactions and their speed and intensity" (Rymanowicz, 2017) , this means a person's nature - their common mood. An example would be a person who is shy that is their temperament is to be shy and how shy there are and the insanity of the nature. Some individuals in early adulthood show fewer impulsive emotions such as mood swings compared to adolescence (teenage years), and some become more responsible and engage in less risk-taking behavior (Santrock, 2019). Keyword -some, but that is only because some young adult are still exploring their freedom and do tests how far they can take their freedom to do what they want.
To identify which spectrum you are, here is a little test for you to take.
Which one are you? And how would you define your Attachment Style?
Option 1 - secure attachment
Option 2- avoidant attachment
Option 3- anxious attachment
1. I find it relatively easy to get close to others and I am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me. How are attachment patterns in childhood linked to relationships in emerging and early adulthood? (Santrock, 2019)
2. I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others. I find it difficult to trust them completely and to allow myself to depend on them. I get nervous when anyone gets too close to me, and it bothers me when someone tries to be more intimate with me than I feel comfortable with (Santrock, 2019).
3. I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t want to stay with me. I want to get very close to my partner, and this sometimes scares people away (Santrock, 2019).
Secure attachment style.
Securely attached adults have positive views of relationships, find it easy to get close to others, and are not overly concerned with or stressed out about their romantic relationships. These adults tend to enjoy sexuality in the context of a committed relationship and are less likely than others to have one-night stands (Santrock, 2019).
Avoidant attachment style.
Avoidant individuals are hesitant about getting involved in romantic relationships and once they are in a relationship tend to distance themselves from their partner (Santrock, 2019).
Anxious attachment style.
These individuals demand closeness, are less trusting, and are more emotional, jealous, and possessive (Santrock, 2019)
(Comment your attachment style on the comment section xoxo)
These attachment and temperaments do influence how we view all the relationships in our lives, from family, romantic relationship, friendships and work relation and most important relationship with ourselves.
1. How is your relationships with your family becoming in your twenties
With age, there comes a sense of understanding from where our parents come from when they tell us not to go or do something. I personally never understood the big deal about sleep overs, maybe because I was very much sheltered. For a daughter to go on a sleep over, anything can happen to her even with a family you are not familiar with. Plus, let us be honest guys, sleep over were not always sleepovers neh?
But on a serious note, with age comes its own wisdom. The fights we got into with our parents were over stupid things and being a teenager, you so ruled by your emotions and make decisions because of them, that most of our decisions were just a recipe for disasters. Such as, sneaking out to see a boy/girl, tell me, was it worth it today? Some may say yes, but for those who agree with me - it was not worth it. Our emotions just get us in situations that were easily avoided. My friends and I used to say we just making experiences, when really experience is another word we use for mistakes.
But I do have to give it to parents because really, we could never understand their love for us, no matter how great or terrible your relationship is/was with our parents because really we possibly will never understand the love of our parents until we become parents ourselves.
But we have relationships with our siblings as well in our families. As the eldest and even worse the eldest daughter in an African household, expectations are force fed to us but at times we do put pressure on ourselves as well too. But I can only speak as the eldest that as you grow, you understand your parents' frustrations with children in wanting to financially take care of the family, behavior, school, and the worries that come with parenting either a large family or small family. Giving each child their individual attention and trying to equate and giving enough to each child, but we see that our parents are only trying to do their best and they themselves are imperfect. You stop seeing them as mom and dad, but now you look at them through the lens of that "they are just humans" and see them for the person that they are. Its sometimes beautiful but again it is scary as well. You begin to wonder if your own siblings would look at you the same way. If they only focus on your faults or see you are just a human being. I am curious though, as younger siblings, how do you view your older sibling. Please share your thoughts on the comment section.
I had asked a few participants about their thoughts on their relationship with their families and these are some of the responses:
"For me, the connection with my family grows the older I get. Because I feel like it gets easier to talk to them because you start to relate to them more" - Jadean Morton
"Better" -Fatima Fareed
"Mixed - Unexpected" - Chloe Taylor
"Rough, its becoming hard to maintain that picture perfect family with my conflicting beliefs. But it is starting to be n accepting relationship. My mom is starting to accept I am an adult" -Zinhle Mchunu
"Complicated" Nobuhle Mazibuko
More open, honest and with understanding. Very mature and respectful" Nkazimulo Kubeka
"Cut ties with my biological mom" - anonymous
"Due to lock-down, it brought the family together" - Kefuoe Mahao
"Great better than before. We just get along better" Nomaswazi Mkhize
"Getting better" Nandile Ntaka
"Stronger as I get older" - Mbali Mbanjwa
2. How is your Relationship with friends your in your twenties?
(displate.com, n.d.)
It is safe to say we all love hanging out with our friends. Either in large groups or small, we all need a companion that's a friend. Researchers have found that throughout our life span friendships play a key role in development (Santrock, 2019).
Some of us are still in contact with our friends from our early teens and high school friends and have created more friendships in university or at work. These friendships can be long lasting or friends that we have meant for a season. Since adulthood comes with making new friendships when you have moved to a new location and established friendships from other countries (Santrock, 2019).
An advantage of being single and having friendships is that there is more freedom and time in making decisions about your own life with friends who you trust, without limiting yourself. It is an opportunity to develop personally and take opportunities to meet goals with friends, pursue your own schedule and interest, and explore unfamiliar places and try new things with friends. Compared to married couples, single people have more time to spend with friends by dining in restaurants, attend art class and lectures to seminars (Santrock, 2019).
The Cosmopolitan magazine published this interesting article called: 14 things you learn about friends in your twenties. The article, mention fourteen things, but I will only mention seven. These seven facts are:
1. It is quality over quantity
Yes, I do believe having a huge friend group is not important just because of power dynamic and in most large friend groups, close friendships are not truly created, but only fun times are created. Big friend groups have more drama due to many personalities. I remember my first year of Uni (I sound old) we were a large group, there would be so much miscommunication and unexpected fights, they would just come out of nowhere. But I will say I still many of them as friends, other time just took its toll. One thing for sure is Fun times were made (Wright, 2016).
2. Friendships change when people get married and have children
Once some friends settle down it is time to except that there would be less time for hang outs, unless friends are understanding that once a friend has a family, and realize that building and maintaining a family takes, time, patience, and money, especially when a baby is involved. There is always rarely hang outs that can be scheduled around family and work (Wright, 2016).
3. You do not hold on to old friendships for the sake of it
Another fact, some friendships are seasonal, which does not always mean it is a terrible thing. You can spend years with friends and make beautiful memories with your girlfriends or bros. But as you grow older interest change and sometimes most friends do not develop with you throughout your life and that is okay (Wright, 2016).
4. It is SO hard to organize social events
I cannot express this enough!! It is so hard!! But it is possible. I recently made plans with meet up with friends, pro tip, have 3 or 4 of you plan it, and only make plans three months in advance. Always!! Make sure that each person knows the plan and knows to save or to clear their schedule on that day. And always expect some of cancel last minute and do not take it personally, those who make still make it worth the trouble (Wright, 2016).
5. You have different friends for separate occasions
Yes, reality is you cannot mix friend groups, it just does not work. You will be just setting yourself up for an awkward situation, so it is best to keep friend groups separated. Just another pro-tip (Wright, 2016).
6. You realize which one in the group you are
I am known as the dangerous one or the mom/older sister of the group. So, each friend plays a role. The comedian, dramatic, curious, the skrr skrr one but the best friend group are the weird ones. (Wright, 2016)
I had asked a few participants about their thoughts on their relationship with their friends and these are some of the responses:
"At this point in my life, I am letting go of friends that add no value, commitment in my life" - Jadean Morton
"You know the difference between friends being for a season and forever" Nkazimulo Kubeka
"Not going well" - anonymous
"I am in consistent contact with some of my friends, the others I make sure to check up on them" - Kefuoe Mahao
"You need money to maintain friendships" Zinhle Mchunu
"It is hard sometimes. But I always am available to at least 1/2 a week to video call them " -Saloshana Ashogan
"I try to WhatsApp call and Instagram them because I work 13 hour shifts in 6 days a week"- Chloe Taylor
"No longer maintaining friendships. They are one sided. I am reciprocating the same energy I get" - Mbali Mbanjwa
"I give out the same energy they give out" Nomswazi Mkhize
"I don't have friends. Ndinabant ndiphila nabo" - Ezile
7. Your mum is your best friend
Girls become closer to their moms and boys to their dads. Only because we are all learning to become adults, so the gender role of our parents plays a significant role. For example, we start having more adult conversations about what makes a woman and what makes a man. We, however, do decide which male or female role model we would like model. It is an interesting time for young adults (Wright, 2016)
3. How are Romantic relationships in your twenties
(Buzzfeed, 2020)
The wonders of this thing we call Lovvvve. There are so many books, songs, movies and poems about this intense feeling of love. But is the feeling of love always so intense? And are these intense feelings "love"? Is love meant to feel intense?
Well let's find out.
Not only is it hard to describe the feeling of love, but it is also difficult to define it. But to simply define love, it is " the development of a strong emotional bond- known as "attachment"- sexual attraction and care giving" (Brewer, 2017)
But the most interesting part about understanding what love is, it is how does the brain fall in love. I will give you a little summery. When a woman falls in love her testosterone increases which causes her to be aggressive, not necessarily violent. Men on the other hand, their testosterone decreases, which causes them to be passive (Maslar, 2016). Both there is smoothing that both genders share when they fall in love, that is that both of serotonin drops which causes them to be both be obsessed with each other (Maslar, 2016). This is primarily in the honeymoon stage of dating. But please watch the full ted talk that will explain more at the end of the blog. (Highly recommended).
Intimacy is a self-disclosure and is part of sharing your private thoughts it is a hallmark of intimacy. And remember intimacy is not always sexual, it is an emotional vulnerability as well, and that is important for committed relationship with two loyal couples. In early adulthood, according to Development Psychologists -Erik Erikson, during this stage (20 years to 29 years) individuals face the sixth development stage in life called Intimacy versus Isolation (Santrock, 2019). Intimacy is defined as "Finding oneself while losing oneself in another person, which requires couples to commit to one another" (Sanrock, 2019). And Isolation is defined as a person who fails to develop intimate relationship. This however, does not mean that it is a failure, because single adults have a chance to establish their emotional beings and mentally established, this forces them not to become intimately attached to just anyone and are selective to who they allow into their lives romantically.
The two stages of Love
1. Affectionate Love
Is also known as Compassionate love and is more about passion. This occurs when an individual desires to be with their romantic interest nearby and has a deep, caring affection for the individual. Affectionate love is during the honeymoon stage, but as love matures, passion grows into affection (Santrock, 2019).
2. Consummate Love
Psychologist t Robert J. Sternberg (1988) developed a theory of love calling it a Triarchic theory of love. He defines this triangle as:
- Romantic (Passionate)
- Intimacy
- Commitment
Romantic or passion is more about psychical and sexual attraction to another individual. Intimacy is about the fuzzy feelings of warmth, closeness and sharing in the relationship. Lastly, commitment is the cognitive appraisal (judgement) of the relationships.
So far, we have discussed two forms of love: romantic (or passionate) and affectionate (or companionate). According to Robert J. Sternberg (1988), these are not the only forms of love. Sternberg proposed a triarchic theory of love in which love can be thought of as a triangle with three main dimensions—passion, intimacy, and commitment (Santrock, 2019). Passion, as described earlier in the romantic love section, is physical and sexual attraction to another. Intimacy relates to the feelings of warmth, closeness, and sharing in a relationship. Lastly, commitment is about the cognitive appraisal (judgement) of the relationships of either continuing the relationship even through tough times or terminating the relationship (Santrock, 2019).
Sternberg's theory demonstrates that the strongest, and love at its fullest form is consummate love since it is the combination of all the dimensions of love. He, however, does conclude that:
If passion is the only fuel that the relationship, has it been merely only infatuation since it is only about (intimacy and commitment is low/absent). For example, affairs/ hook ups are not about intimacy nor commitment (Santrock, 2019).
If a relationship is more about intimacy and commitment and is lacking passion (remember passion after some time turns to affection), Sternberg labels this love as -Affectionate love. Mostly, found in long lasting marriages (Santrock, 2019)
Lastly, if passion and commitment are the fuel in the relationship, but intimacy is not, Sternberg labels this type of love as Fatuous love. This is when an individual has deep admiration or praises the partner from a distance. They still love their partner even when distance separates them for some time (Santrock, 2019).
(Santrock, 2029, pg. 440)
I had asked a few participants about their thoughts on being in a romantic relationship and these are some of the responses:
"It is an experience of a lifetime. It is worth everything when that person supports and loves you" - Jadean Morton
This one is my favorite because i can relate : "I don't know" - Fathima Fareed.
"It is a whole new world" - Chloe Taylor
"Never been in a relationship" - anonymous
"Basically non-existent. And we are in this toxic era now, so I am not too eager to dive into the dating pool" - anonymous
"I found my soulmate" - anonymous
"Not all twenty year old are ready for a committed relationships. Your patience will be tested ". Nkazimulo Kubek
"Kubi" - Nomaswazi Mkhize
"It is very hard dating" - Nandile Ntaka
"Its the pits" - Mbali Mbanjwa
4. Lessons you have learned/learning in your twenties
(Red Bubble, n.d.)
Forbes writer Frances Bridges published an article dedicated to the twenty somethings called- 20 Things I Learned in My 20s. She pointed out real gems that comes with being in your twenties that are very relatable to all of us (Bridges, 2017). These are the points she pointed out:
1. Start Taking Good Care of Yourself Now
Everyone strives to have a healthy mind and a healthy body, but like everything you must start somewhere . When it comes to your physical health it is good to maintain a good diet (which I should try) it will help to create a healthier foundation for your mind and body. Exercise helps with your mental health by giving you a more positive outlook in life, and helps you engage in more positive thinking, which always results in having a better social life and achieve more of your goals (Bridges, 2017). But let us not forget that exercise helps with anxiety and depression. But most importantly your 30-year-old self will thank you.
2. You're Going to Feel Lost
Yes, not everything goes as planned. That's just how it is, it is mostly about winging it. I am not that type of person. I do not wing it when it comes with my life's plan. I must have a plan and it must follow through. But life has given me a HUGE realty check.
It is good to have a set goal that you want to achieve, but life comes with obstacle that come and bring detours in achieving these goals. But the important thing is to overcome them and get back on course. That is how progress is made in achieving your long-term goals and short-term goals.
But most importantly: It will take years and years to achieve your dream, and where you want to be in your career, emotionally and mentally in some cases.
It all takes time. So, practice patience.
3. Dreams Require Sacrifice
Big dreams take great sacrifices. And the motto that goes I will sleep when I am dead.
I advise you, please do not follow that motto, its plain simply unhealthy.
Make sure you get your 8hrs of sleep daily, do not stay up late to finish off assignment till 02 am. I did that in First year, but still did not do well with my schoolwork. I became more stress and unhappy.
Yes, dreams require sacrifices, but those sacrifices do not have to be to your health. Learn time management skills, you can do three different things in a day if you are able to set a schedule for each thing and time how long you will work and make sure you take not five-minute breaks but trail yourself to take productive breaks.
After learning to multitask assignment, studying and my other interest and hobbies, I was available for each thing for certain days, and was able to be spontaneous with other things that are of interest to me as a reward for keeping on schedule. This boosted my productivity throughout the day, I am waaayy less stressed and I get good sleep because of having my eight hours of sleep consistently.
Sleep is important, you do not want to contribute to getting dementia because of lack of sleep in your twenties, your elderly you will thank you. Sleep!!!
4. Stop Caring What People Think
Not everyone will be your cheerleader. Which is why it is important to identify people who genuinely care about you. Surround yourself with friends who cheer for everyone's success and cry with them when they cry about things that upset them. Do not be a toxic person, it is not a good look. You will do yourself good if you do good for others, no matter how people view it.
Being a nice person is not weak, being cruel is a sign of weakness remember that.
Self-reflect
5. Invest in Experiences, Not Things
Earning money is the best feeling ever but spending it- ay it's another thing. So, when you get a chance to invest.
But the best investment one can invest on is experiences that bring euphoria. Like hobbies, adventures, does not always have to luxuries hotels. See various parts of your country and what the world must offer with friends or partner or alone, once an opportunity arrives carpe deim it.
I had asked a few participants about their thoughts on lesson you have learnt/learning in your 20's and these are some of the responses:
"Life is hard" - Fathima Fareed
"Self-actualization" -Chloe Taylor
1. "Do not need anyone's approval but your own
2. Still learning to be happy with myself and the way I look.
3. Learnt that I do not need to be a size 0 to be happy.
4. Learnt that I am extremely extremely emotional. Still need to learn to control these emotions."
"Still learning" - Nobuhle Mazibuko
"Still learning, but what I noticed is that I need to let things happen on their own time" -Zinhle Mchunu
"To appreciate myself more. Sometimes you are always there for others and forget about yourself" - Kefuoe Mahao
"Loving yourself is hard" - anonymous
"Do not expect everyone to have your back when they say it" Nkazimulo Kubeka
"You can do more because you are stronger than you realize " Jadean Morton.
"Patience, we shouldn't let social media get to us"- Nomaswazi Mkhize
5. Thought of being Single in your twenties
So, single people are obviously stereotyped. Do I understand why? Nope. Even when single people are genuinely enjoying their singleness and are highly content, they are still often labeled as desperately lonely (Santrock, 2019). Although, single ones do miss that companionship that comes with being with a partner, but there is health that comes with singleness.
Where there are disadvantages, there is advantages. The advantage of being a single in your twenties is having your control in making decisions about your life's course, and there is time to develop in creating your own personal resources to meet goals, freedom to make big life changing decisions (Santrock, 2019).
Once adults reach the age of 30, they may face increasing pressure to settle down and get married. This is when many single adults make a conscious decision to marry or to remain single.
There are some who in their twenties have ended relationships and joined the single club. I call it the falling out of love period. Break ups are devastating no matter if you the one who ends it, having to let go of someone you were once close to is tragic. But there is an advantage to ending a relationship in your twenties, you gain the opportunity of gaining your own happiness and personal development increases.
Some relationships must end due to being repeatedly betrayed, someone who drains you emotionally and financially, or both especially if you are desperately in love with someone who does not return those feelings equally towards you (Santrock, 2019). I like to say it is good to separate the feelings from the fact. He/she cheats, and the feeling is that You love him/her, how you answer x from the equation that on you.
It is especially tragic and heartbreaking when you love, but you do not receive that same love it only results you becoming depressed, have obsessive thoughts, sexual dysfunction, health problems, difficulty working effectively, and difficulties maintain and making friendships.
If the math is not mathing for you, it is time to work with a whole new equation - period. Some adults, when they reach 30, I like to call it the nesting season. That is normally (for some adults) a time when adults have an increasing desire to settle down and get married or start a family. This is the time in a single person makes a conscious decision to either marry or remain single (Santrock, 2019))
I had asked a few participants about their thoughts on being single and these are some of the responses:
"Loving the freedom but still missing that companionship that you share with someone" - Fathima Fareed.
"There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single in your twenties and focusing on your dreams and career" - anonymous
"Sbwl a relationship...but also, we are still young and have enough time to grow and settle down" Nobuhle Mazibuko
"Mjolo is in the pits vele chommie" -Zinhle Mchunu
"It's perfectly fine to be patient" - anonymous
"You learn about who you are an what to expect from the other party, like your dislikes and likes" -Nkazimulo Kubeka
"I am not honesty bothered! It is weird that people attach happiness as *only* resulting from relationship"- anonymous
I would like to conclude by saying this. This is a weird time bring in your early twenties and I do feel like it would be a decade of learning, till you reach your thirties even then there is more learning. But right now, it is good to do what feels right to you. I, need to learn to take this advice and remind myself of it. Goals take time. Allow the dilemmas that come with being in your twenties to just happen.
As the SZA the Rnb princess has lyrics in her song Twenty Something. We just twenty something's "not a thing in my name" (Annotation, 2017), we "aint got nothin', runnin from love', 'only know fear' and just "hopin to keep the rest of my friends' and 'praying the 20's somethings dont kill me’ (Annotation, 2017). And finally, Timothee Chalamet said it best in his interview with Wired Magazine by saying, 'As a young person you are kind of just shopping for your personality' (Magazine, 2019), that is by trying different things and just trying to figure yourself out as an adult. The best thing I can say as someone in their early twenties, we just have to go through life doing what feels right to us and make our own mistakes and fear disappointing ourselves the most. And believe in higher power if you have a spiritual relationship with your maker. And from me to you. This is my love letter to you, make yourself happy and live life with bliss no matter how morbid it can get.
More Information
Lovee
Friendships
Family
Single adults
Reference List
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